I’m taking a side-step from my usual “tech” posts to write about the “dad” side. This is a strange situation that I’m trying to understand. Here is the scene: my oldest daughter is invited to a birthday party with “Jenny” that has a start time of 5:30 and going to either 10:30pm or overnight (for a sleepover). Unfortunately, our daughter is double-booked with another birthday party that starts at 6:00 (one that was accepted earlier because the 5:30 one had a late invite sent out). My daughter really wanted to go to the sleepover, so my wife asks “Jenny’s” mother if our daughter could come just for the sleepover (a bit later).
It was the response back from “Jenny’s” mom that really floored me, and I quote:
I’m not comfortable with that idea. I think this is a great chance for sharing lessons on commitment. I hope N. understands.
Huh? Ok, what’s the lesson here? Or lessons? First, is my daughter going to really understand the idea of commitment? Or is she going to think that “Jenny” didn’t want her to come? Or that “Jenny’s” mom doesn’t want her? Does that give N. potentially feelings of rejection. And what is the deal with the mom not being comfortable with the idea that my daughter wanted to come to the party, albeit late? N. likes the girl and wanted to participate in her party.
Frankly, I’m surprised by this sniping comment. It was short and curt. It doesn’t offer any redeeming qualities or any attempt to work something out. Is this the type of parent that I would want my daughter to have any interaction with. And while “noble” in this mother’s attempt to “teach” a lesson, I wonder how these and other lessons are being taught to her own daughter. Whatever. I cannot control how others decide to teach or parent. I can, however, control how I parent and the lessons I teach.
The redeeming fact of this entire situation, in my opinion, is how my wife handled the response to “Jenny’s” mother. Instead of telling her off (which is what I felt like doing) or being confrontational, she handled it beautifully, and I quote:
Oh geez, I hope we didn’t get anything stirred up. Of course, she completely understands. N. has been so looking forward to going to “Jenny’s” party (I guess they have been discussing it for some time) so she was so bummed to find out it was on the same night as the other party. Could we schedule “makeup birthday” playdate with “Jenny” instead? Let me know what works for “Jenny” and we can schedule a time.
So, gracefully defusing the situation, my wife made a positive out of a negative. She has a great talent to “do the right thing” even when faced with cold, shallow and thoughtless comments or actions. THAT is where the lesson is to be learned, not with “sharing lessons on commitment.”
